I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
