nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You may now shotgun with the bride
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
