I think my fart just growled at me.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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