everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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