Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
