Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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