he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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