they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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