Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
