apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
