I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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