You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
