My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
