you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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