I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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