I smell stomach acid.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
COCAINE IS GR8
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize