I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
