She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
