it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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