Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
