"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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