I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
