Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
