If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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