So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
sarcasm needs its own font
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
