You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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