Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
