hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
