Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
