I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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