So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
