My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
