Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Drunk is a universal language darling
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