I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
being pregnant is like rehab
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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