Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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