also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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