got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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