Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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