I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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