I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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