dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I think my vagina is haunted
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
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