I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He? As in you personified your dick?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
