I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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