did you get engaged???
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
