She is in my trunk
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
