does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
God, I missed his penis.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
