True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize