she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
