this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
