Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
