You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Sext me about skeletons
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
