i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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