YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
