I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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