Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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