Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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