at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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