I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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