i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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