Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
How external is "for external use only"?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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