When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
