Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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