Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
