There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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