Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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