I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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