I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
