First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
