I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
