Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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