She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
