woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
