im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
