I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize